Camp Fire Jokes

[WapitiTalk1]

John E's post on the "Slow Day" thread (deer or elk tracks joke) got me thinking. How about sharing some camp fire/hunting jokes? I need a few more to add to my arsenal before this fall. I'll start with one:

An elk hunter went on a northern Wyoming rifle hunt with his wife and mother-in-law. One night, while still deep in mountains, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother missing. She was nowhere to be found in any of the tents or around camp. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle and a flashlight, grumbled a a bit as he headed out into the dark, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, the couple spotted the man's mother in law. She was backed up against a thick, impenetrable brush pile, with a large jaw popping grizzly, standing on his back legs facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The fool bear got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

[elkmtngear]

Jeff and Cory were dropped off by plane, in a beautiful mountain valley in the Yukon, for a Moose Bowhunt.

A week later, the plane returned, to find two huge Yukon Bulls quartered up and sitting in Camp.

The pilot told them he could not take all the gear and both bulls, that it would make it impossible to get over the mountain. After much pleading
and a generous bribe, the pilot reluctantly agreed.

Soon, they had everything loaded up, and the plane began its struggle to gain altitude. The face of the mountain loomed closer, closer, and then, KABOOM!

Jeff woke up in a daze to see gear, meat and metal strewn all over the mountainside. He looked over at Cory, who was on all fours surveying the scene.

"Where are we"? Jeff said

Cory replied "About 200 yards from where we ended up last Year"

[WapitiTalk1]

elkmtgear and John Fitzgerald met me in ID a few years ago to hunt. After a day when elkmtgear arrowed a nice little muley buck, we were sitting around the campfire enjoying some loins. About that time, John got this terrible look on his face and said he had to go "now". Must have been the shot of bourbon on top of the loins that prompted the immediate need to go use the woods facilities so off he went, in a hurry. Well as Jeff and I sat there, we came up with a great joke to play on John. I crawled into the brush, using my best silent ninja stalking technique, and placed a good portion of the previously mentioned deer gutpile under John as he relieved himself sitting on a downed lodgepole. Back at the fire/camp, Jeff and I couldn't hardly contain ourselves while waiting for poor John to come back. Finally, after about 1/2 hour, he came back in walking real funny like... holding his stomach. Jeff asked "what took you so long" (trying to contain his laughter). John replied that he had to go so bad that he actually thinks he shot his guts out his arse...... but with the lord's help and a sharp stick, he got almost all of them back in

Sorry JF, I know.. I'm on the list now

[elkmtngear]

I crawled into the brush, using my best silent ninja stalking technique, and placed a good portion of the previously mentioned deer gutpile under John as he relieved himself sitting on a downed lodgepole.

A highly technical, and potentially dangerous undertaking RJ.....I commend you Sir!

Hilarious!

[Lefty]

Since I solo hunt ,.. Im sitting on the sidelines for this one

[>>>---WW---->]

Homer and Elmer are out in the great north woods when they find themselves hopelessly lost. Homer looks at Elmer and says, "What are we gonna do Elmer"? So Elmer replys, "Well, I rekon our only chance is to get down on our knees and pray"!

So they both got on there knees, folded their hands, looked up into the heavens and started praying for a way out of the mess they were in. Just about then a flock of wild geese came flying over and one of them drops a load right on top of Elmers head.

Elmer just keeps right on praying and he says, "No crap lord, we'er really lost"!

[JohnFitzgerald]

Rory - I'm game!

Rory and John Go Hunting

It was Saturday morning and John, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first elk of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his friend, Rory, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. John asks him, "What are you up to?" Rory smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!" John, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take him along. They arrive at the hunting site. John sets Rory safely up in the tree stand and tells him: "If you see a elk, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot." John walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Rory couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a elk. But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, John starts running back. As John gets closer to his stand, he hears Rory screaming, "Get away from my elk!" Confused, John races faster towards his screaming friend. And again he hears him yell, "Get away from my elk!" followed by another volley of gunfire. Now within sight of where he had left his friend, John is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, sir, okay! You can have your elk! Just let me get my saddle off it!"'

[WapitiTalk1]

First of all, I don't know why that cowboy was on an elk to begin with and second, I think I may have left my glasses in your kitchen that morning. Come to think of it, I thought it was odd you wouldn't help me pack the quarters out and they were dang heavy for some reason.. Thinking back, I thought the hooves on that elk were kind of large and seemed harder than the elk I've shot in the past. Good one.. Stowed away in my hunting camp book of campfire jokes. RJ

[WapitiTalk1]

Two elk hunters were out on their first wapiti hunt. They decided to separate to get a better chance of running into something. The first man says to the other, 'If you get lost, or, get into any kind of trouble, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you.' After about three hours, the second man finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo. The next morning, the first man finds the second with the help of FS Rangers. He asks the first man if he did what he told him to do. The man answers, 'Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows.'

[cnelk]

I cant remember any particular joke that was told on this night, but I know a few were laughed at, along with solving the world's problems

[easeup]

Marriage is like a playing with a deck of cards...
when you first start, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
In the end, all it takes is a club and a spade.

[bnsafe]

lovin it guys, keep em comin

[JohnFitzgerald]

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"

[cnelk]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: ‘Does this taste funny to you?’

What’s the Difference Between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are around a dollar seventy-nine, and deer nuts are just under a buck!

A couple walks into a nice restaurant.
The hosts asked them, "Do you have reservations?"
The husband says 'Should we?"

[WapitiTalk1]

Two buddies were hunting elk in early September during a particularly bad rattlesnake year. One of the guys felt the call of nature and while perched in his three point relief stance, was bitten fully on the backside by a large rattler. Being 10 miles or better from any medical attention, and, potentially too far to hike back for medical attention, the second guy wisely ran to a hilltop where he got cell service an called 911. The 911 operator explained that the only way to get the poison out and save his friend was to quickly cut an "X" in each fang mark and suck the poison out. After returning to his friend, his buddy asked "what did you find out".. The non-bitten guy simply told his buddy, "the operator said you're gonna die".

[Harmy]

Three best friends head out to hunt a new species of elk on an island in the South Pacific. They were supposed to have huge antlers as purported by the natives. After a long airplane and boat ride the three friends arrived on the beach and unloaded all their gear. After setting up camp they began wondering where the local guides were. They figured they must be a day early so they went to bed. Around midnight they were awakened by the natives capturing them and tying them up. Little did they know they were misled by a bunch of cannibals. Each hunter was tied to a pole and forcibly carried to the Natives village where several large pots were waiting.

The Chief comes to the three men and states a challenge. “You three are great hunters. If you can complete our hunt you can go free. You must head into the jungle and with your bare hands harvest three of the same fruit. You must bring these back and survive”. The three guys look at each other and say “that’s easy”. The cannibals release the men and off they go in search of their fruit. The first guy to come back has 3 grapes. The chief says to the man, “now, all you have to do is stuff these three pieces into your arse without a grimace, noise, or expression of any kind.” The guy proceeds to drop his pants and inserts the three items. The chief says, you win but you must remain for the others to finish their test and maintain your own composure. The second guy comes in with three bananas. On his third insertion he grimaces and moans deeply. The chief says “you fail” and he is instantly killed with poison darts and dragged and dumped into the huge kettle. All the natives cheer wildly. Meanwhile the first hunter turns white but maintains his neutral expression as the chief watches him closely. In the distance the third guy can be seen coming down the path. The first guy breaks into hysterical laughter. The chief says, you lose, why are you laughing? He points to his friend approaching the village carrying 3 pineapples…

[Swede]

John and George arrived in hunting camp and soon had things set up. New to the camp that year was George's generator. John was intrigued by the prospects of having power in camp and asked George how it worked. The reply was that it was great, but a little hard to start. George said, "you need to cuss at it to get it to run."
Well George was away for a while. When he returned to camp he saw John pulling on the starter cord over and over again. When he walked up to generator, with John pulling on it George said, "remember what I said, you need to cuss it." John replied, "I can't do that. I have forgotten even how to cuss". George replied, "you keep pulling on that cord, and it will all come back to you."

[bnsafe]

[cnelk]

Swede and cnelk were out chasing bugles one morning when cnelk slipped and got cut by a broadhead from his quiver.
Swede quickly loaded cnelk up in his truck and took him to the nearest doctor.
Upon inspection of the would by the doctor, Swede asked the prognosis of cnelk...

The doctor replied, "Well, I think he woulda made it if you wouldnt have gutted him out!"

[Swede]

Now Mrs. Cnelk, you know it was nothing personal. It comes as a force of habit. As soon as I see something is down I want it to start cooling. John Fitzgerald told me we should always do that to keep meat from souring. Blame him! Well, I guess Cnelk might have looked better for the doctor if I had not tried to take him to the cooler first. Again, blame Fitzgerald.

[JohnFitzgerald]

Swede and Rory were dragging their dead deer back to their Truck. John approached pulling his along too. "Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground." After John left, Swede and Rory decided to try it. A little while later Swede said to Rory, "You know, John was right. This is a lot easier!" "Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," Rory added.

[Swede]

Mrs Cnelk, PLEASE! The Pope was not in the process of canonizing Cnelk when we took off on the hunt. And if you knew better than to let him go with me, then this is all your fault. Just don't start getting all mushy with me, and forget that notion that your "winky man" was totally wonderful. Look at the bright side on all of this. I did cure his snoring. You can get a good nights rest now.

[WapitiTalk1]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary office. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet duck has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!
"The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00.

[cnelk]

Before cnelk's demise, he bought the broadheads from John F.
Said they were lucky...

Lucky for whom?

[Swede]

I have been trying to tell you all along, John F. is a trouble maker. You are absolutely right to be indignant about his unconscionable conduct. This whole sordid affair his doing.

[cnelk]

I really wanted to add one of his Hoochie Mamma's to my collection, but he was insistent about the broadheads.

Beware of trouble makers

[JohnFitzgerald]

Me, a trouble maker? MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

[JohnFitzgerald]

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. Well, he said, 'It's what mummy calls me sometimes'. The little girl screams to her brother 'Don't eat it, it's a butthole......'

[JohnFitzgerald]

What is the defination of a non-typical Whitetail?
A: One that stays off the Highway!

[pointysticks]

Two hunters (jeff and cory) are out in the woods. the roadhunting just wasnt panning out. they decide to get a couple hundred yards away from the road to see if luck changes. they are both walking/talking about how comfortable the new Kifaru packs are, and how even the mighty T1 can crush down to day-pack size. out of nowhere, without warning, Cory collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed over and rolling back into his head. Jeff luckily has his phone with him. he whips out his phone; thank goodness he has good cell service. (they are very close to a city, in low elevation) and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do? tell me!! what should i do?!!" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

[ferris bugler]

Good stuff here.

I accidentally shot another hunter once. He didn't die from the gunshot. He died when I gutted him.

[JohnFitzgerald]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: I have no I-Deer

[ferris bugler]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: I have no I-Deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no eye deer.

And what do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no balls?

Still no f)#$in eye deer.

[>>>---WW---->]

Homer and Elmer are out hunting when they come across this gigantic hole in the ground. It is so deep that they can't see the bottom!

Homer says,"How deep you rekon this here hole is"?

To which Elmer replys, " I ain't got no ider. But there is an old truck transmission over thar. Whatcha say we toss it down that thar hole and listen to see how long it takes to hit the bottom"?

So they both grap that transmission and give it a toss down the big hole. Just about then a billy goat comes charging out of the brush towards them. As they jump aside, the billygoat runs past them about 100 mph and jumps head first down the hole.

Pretty soon a farmer comes along and ask, "Say, you fellers seen a billygoat round here anywheres"?

Elmer replys, "Ya he just run past us bout a 100 mile an hour and jumped head first down that hole over thar.

The farme says, " Thats impossible! I had him tied up with a long rope to a transmission"!

[mds]

Three friends who've been hunting and shooting big-bore rifles together for 50 years, were hiking through a meadow. Says the first: "Boy, it sure is windy." Says the second: "You sure? I thought it was Thursday." Says the third: "Me, too, let's get a beer!"

[pointysticks]

Three friends who've been hunting and shooting big-bore rifles together for 50 years, were hiking through a meadow. Says the first: "Boy, it sure is windy." Says the second: "You sure? I thought it was Thursday." Says the third: "Me, too, let's get a beer!"

hahahha.

i laugh because my hearing is diminished..

[pointysticks]

two guys sitting around elk camp just staring into the fire. melancholy fills the atmosphere.

the first guys says, " i cant believe my son is a teenager..i worry so much about him. what if he gets a girl pregnant?"

the second guy replies, "you're worried? pfftt! you have a son, i have a daughter!! you only have to worry about one penis..i have to worry about thousands of them!"

(too PG-13?)

[Freebird134]

The man answers, 'Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows.'

Ahhh....this must be why guys shoot PSEs! They are loud enough to save you when lost!

[Freebird134]

One of my waterfowl hunting buddy's favorites. Please forgive any typos: i jacked up my thumb and am typing with a splint on!

A duck hunter is walking back to his truck after a great morning of hunting. When he reaches his truck he finds a warden waiting for him, who promptly asks to see his ducks. The warden grabs the first, a beautiful greenhead, sticks his finger up its rear for a second and states "hey, this is a North Dakota duck! Do you have a North Dakota license?" The hunter fumbles through his wallet and pulls out his N.Dak license and says "Yes sir!". The warden then grabs another duck, lovely pintail, sticks his finger up it's rearend and says "This is a Montana duck. You had better have a Montana license." The hunter luckily does. Next he grabs a plump widgeon, again sticks his finger up it's rear end and says "This is a Wisconsin duck. Do you have a Wisconsin license?" And the hunter again fumbles through his wallet, and replies "Yes sir" as he retrieves a Wisc license. The warden is surprised, expecting he'd have at least caught the hunter without one correct license. The warden says, "You sure do have a lot of hunting licenses. Just where are you from?" The hunter drops his waders, bends over and says "if you're so good, why don't you tell me!"

[mds]

City slicker is on his first hunt, solo, and finally wings a duck. Dang bird manages to land over the property line, in a farmer's field. New hunter jumps over but before he can grab the duck, the farmer shows up. "My land, my bird," he says.

The city boy just about starts crying, he really wants that duck, it being his first and all. Farmer says, "I'll fight you for it. We'll take turns kicking each other in the pants, whoever falls down first loses, and the winner keeps the duck." The hunter says ok, in spite of those sturdy work boots the farmer's wearing.

"I go first," the farmer says, and lands a clean hard kick. That farmer didn't hold back, and the hunter writhes in pain, cursing everything in sight, telling the farmer just what he thinks about his family tree. The farmer laughs and laughs. The only things that kept the hunter going were the thought of taking that duck home, and the thought of kicking this farmer into next week.

The farmer is still chuckling when the hunter recovers without falling down. Red with rage and fairly quivering with anticipation, the hunter growls to the smiling farmer, "my turn."

The farmer, still smiling, says, "Nah. You can keep the duck."

[Swede]

I always like my PSE bows. They shoot much faster than the other brands. I had a Hoyt once, but I hated to have to extend my half hour waiting time after the shot, in consideration of the late arrival of my arrow to the animal.

[elkmtngear]

Bob and Tom were hunting ducks on the refuge borderline. A flock of pintails make a low pass over them, and they shoot and drop 2 ducks out over the refuge. They quickly jump the refuge fence and retrieve the birds.

About a half hour later, a game warden shows up in their blind. He sees the birds, and asks "did you shoot these birds in the refuge"? They reply, "no Sir" !

The warden proceeds to pick up a bird, sticks his index finger in the bird's rectum, and then sticks his finger in his mouth. He repeats the process with the other bird.

"These are refuge birds" he says. "I am going to have to give each of you a citation, where are you guys from"?

Bob stands up, turns around, drops his pants and bends over. "You tell me" he says.

[JohnFitzgerald]

I always like my PSE bows. They shoot much faster than the other brands. I had a Hoyt once, but I hated to have to extend my half hour waiting time after the shot, in consideration of the late arrival of my arrow to the animal.

Oh no! (hand plant to the forehead)

[Swede]

John: I think it takes a special person to see the humor in that goofy comment of mine.